1. Poor Sense of Self
Do you feel like you have to be in a relationship to be happy? When you are not in a relationship, do you get anxious and depressed? When you enter a new relationship, do you find yourself conforming to your partner’s likes and dislikes? Do you take on her mannerisms and speech patterns? If so, you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons and it is doomed to fail.
A relationship takes two whole, healthy people to make it work. You can’t be a whole person if you don’t know who you are without your partner in your life. Once you can be happy being on your own, then you are ready for a relationship. You must be able to define who you are as a person without someone else in your life.
2. Finding Yourself Constantly in a Caretaker Role
Some people define themselves as natural caretakers. We wouldn’t have people to fill the jobs of nurses, teachers, babysitters, and other “caretaking” roles if some people were not naturally drawn to that role! However, constantly being the caretaker in your relationship can be a bad thing. It is NOT your responsibility to fix your partner’s problems.
Assuming you are both adults, treat her like one. Do not give advice when she didn’t ask for it. If this describes you, chances are that you are constantly angry when your advice is not taken, and you feel anxious when your loved one has a problem that you can’t fix. You might feel sad because you constant give to others but feel like nobody gives to you in return. You might be attracted to needy people and/or find that needy people are constantly attracted to you. This is potentially a HUGE problem, and this means you are both in a relationship for the wrong reasons.
This is a dysfunctional pattern that addicts often fall into – the addict searches out caretakers. Be in a relationship because you want to be – because you love her for who she is – and not because she fills a need that you have to be needed. This always ends in disaster.
3. Low Self Worth
Do you have low self esteem? Are you with your partner because you don’t think you will ever find better? Unfortunately, many people who are unhappy in their relationships come from a background of abuse. If you are from a dysfunctional family or have been a victim of abuse, neglect, or alcoholism, you most likely have low self esteem and this can affect your adult relationships if you have not gotten professional help to overcome your past.
How do you know if you have overcome your bad past?
If you can talk frankly about it without being upset.
You most likely haven’t healed from your past if you get defensive easily, feel like a victim, feel guilty for taking time for yourself, are afraid of making mistakes, get your sense of self worth by helping others, settle for being needed instead of loved, and feel like you aren’t good enough. If any of this describes you, it would be best to seek professional help while you are single to work through your issues before getting into a relationship with someone.
4. Obsessive and Controlling
Do you find yourself being anxious about your partner? Worrying over the silliest things? Have you ever lost sleep because you were obsessing over something about her? Have you caught yourself checking up on her such as reading her text messages or following her to try to catch her doing something wrong? Do other people in your life get tired of hearing you constantly talk about something pertaining to your relationship? Do you find yourself focusing all your time and energy on her problems and not on your own? In fact, you think that if she could only (do this or that) then your problems would get better?
Do you tell your partner who she can be friends with, where she can go, what she is allowed to spend money on, and then get angry when she doesn’t do what you said? Obsessive and controlling behavior is rooted in fear, and it is horrible for your partner to be on the receiving end of this behavior. Nothing will make her want to run more than feeling controlled in this way. She may feel like she is “walking on eggshells” and like you are smothering her. A relationship should not feel this way.